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The driver took just under three hours to get home and as I paid him off, I wondered how I could have almost allowed my son to make love to me!I felt ashamed and dirty, so I drew a bath and took a glass of vodka in with me, half an hour later, I fell into bed and dreamt of the devil, a naked, horned demon with a gigantic penis in his hand and the face of my son!I awoke in the morning and showered, after which I felt slightly better, but I'd already decided what I was going to do so a furtive run to the shops for some vodka took care of my immediate needs, another warm, scented bath soothed me and some of my favourite music on the CD put me in the mood to do it.A sleeping pill went down with the first large glass of vodka, then two pills with the second one and I started to cry, I kissed a photograph of Tommy senior and my son and then I swallowed some more pills washed down with more vodka and waited for sleep.Someone was banging in the background, I tried to shout at them to go away. I'd had to deal with myself honestly. My passion, not Bob's, was what had frightened me, but my passion had also attracted me, especially at the lower intensities. The possibility of those moments had become almost as enticing as alarming. And the more distant the future, the more enticing and the less threatening it had appeared. I had already become nearly as reluctant to say "never" about those climaxes as I was to say "now" or "soon." I had been (I am still) unable to imagine trusting anyone but Bob around when I lost control; so saying "not Bob" was saying "never."Then there was marriage. I'd always meant to marry Bob someday. Even at my angriest, I'd never quite told myself that I wouldn't marry him. Bob had been wrong, marriage isn't about sex; it is about trust, and forever, and sharing everything. But sharing everything obviously included sharing this thing which was of paramount importance to Bob. And if I said never to this, Bob's "forever" would include a "never"; he.
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